waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
