Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
