I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
