I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
