last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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