I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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