why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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