soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
