just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
