She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
