I just saw a hot homeless man
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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