i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
