So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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