I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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