Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
