i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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