I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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