Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
