Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
only if we run a train.
done.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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