Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
