i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
