Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
