Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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