just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
