I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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