dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
