Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
