Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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