His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
