I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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