So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
