My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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