hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
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his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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