We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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