two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
