It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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