i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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