I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
