I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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