I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
