I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
