Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
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How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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