He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
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Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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