Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ketchup is God's man juice
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
