Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
