I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
