I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
