I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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