Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
