apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
