I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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