i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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