I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
