Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
