he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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