You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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