Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Randomize
