people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
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I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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