Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
