i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
